Monday Mourning!

Dear Life,

are you well this morning?good then that makes it easier for me to rant.perhaps rant is not the right word, maybe rave, scream, and go crazy. well, too bad I'm so damn tired after all, its not everyday that your brother gets shot and is hanging on the brink of death huh?don't worry i wont curse you out or anything like i said, I'm tired.I've never been so scared in my life, my teeth have never clattered so loudly and my body has never shaken so violently, my heart beating right out of my chest.

its a call i never expected, never prepared for, never imagined id get.i searched my records, my files, my archives. i searched everywhere. whats the reaction?the response?what I'm i supposed to say or do?whats the expression i should be wearing?do i smile or let the tears that sting my eyes run?no, i cant cry then i wont be able to see as i drive and already I'm in no state to drive but who will, not them.i cant possible let them drive. didn't you see the look in their eyes. that look that defeated look.that will-i-loose-my-son-today look. the look that neither of us ever practiced or prepared for. i cant cry, i have to be strong for him, for them, for me.

did you see it, that look when i said the words, when they heard but couldn't listen from the roaring in their ears.from searching their minds for a reaction, for an expression, for a word to describe the fear and longing to defy time and space and find themselves at their son's side. so i rush and rush and rush but i must be careful.i must get them there in one piece and yet i must get there quickly. all the while I'm thinking, processing, interpreting; hoping,praying. where?how?when? why wasn't i there?could i have helped?could things have gone differently? what if.....STOP! i say to myself.concentrate on the road ahead,on your speed,on getting there. think past the pain, past the fear, past the deep darkness that threatens to engulf not just you but everything around you also. concentrate.breath.

I'm calm but soon my body starts to rebel against the forced calmness,my teeth start to clatter again and I'm forced to clench my jaw.my heart starts to race again and breathing is getting rapid again.I'm losing it,I'm loosing it oh God don't let this happen i have to get there.i have to see.i have to know.get a grip! this is not the time to let go. you have to stay strong for him,for them,for me.

i can seen the sign, the large neon sign.I'm almost there but i have to keep it together.the silent tension in the car has just increased ten fold.its choking me but i cant stop now.open the window. damn,its already open.i made it. i slow down just long enough to make the turn without skidding and in one swift move I've stopped the car, opened the door and I'm frantically looking.i just want to see him,that's all.where is he? there are so many people but they all have blank faces.I'm looking for one, oh dear i can find it.damn where is he?don't tell me I'm too late.i came as fast as i could. oh God the darkness is coming.i can feel it wrapping its ugly claws around me. my heart is pounding and my ears are ringing. i hear voices but nothing sinks in.I'm loosing it,I'm........there! is see it. the face I'm looking for.in the light of the car i see him.his eyes are closed but his brow is creased, that's a good sign right?RIGHT? get it together, get it together. someone is holding me.pulling me back.i allow them because now my mind has stopped creating horrors in my head.we've got to go i hear someone say.he wants to know if i can drive,am i ok.I'm not ok but I'm driving. i have to stay strong for him, for them, for me.as i hit the tarmac all i can see is lights in the distance.time is everything so i accelerate to catch up to them.i will not get left behind.I'm cruising like I've never cruised before,if only this was a moment i could remember fondly.focus.concentrate.get there. I'm all of 10 seconds behind.i let them out and rush on to find parking.has anyone ever thought of valets at emergency rooms?focus.

they wont let us into the ER.not that i mind i know i wouldn't be able to handle it.there's lots of movement behind the curtain but that's about it.oh God.the i hear it the loud yell that creeps around the curtain and into our ears.that good right?he screams and screams and with each scream my heart breaks again and again.then silence!whats happening?why did he go quiet?is something wrong?someone tell me what the hell is happening.they knocked him out.ok.the silence continues hour after hour.needles and tubes,machines and beeps.i have to get away.this room is stifling,i cant breath. the darkness is creeping in again. i need air,space.that's better.breath.ok lets me see how everyone's doing.that'll distract me abit.coffee, chocolate, sugar.we all need some energy.

the sun is rising.what time is it?just past 6am.three hours and counting.finally!its been four and a half hours.they say we can see him now.he's alive,thank God.he looks so distressed.is he in pain?will he wake up?will he live?at least he's fighting,that's good right?he looks different.oh God,I've got to keep it together.he needs to rest.ill come back after a shower and something to eat. I'm...not tired,that can't even describe the way I'm feeling.i make it to the car, I'm alone and suddenly the weight of the night is just too much. i cant hold the tears back any longer.I'm choking, i cant breath,I'm worn out and then it comes, the floor of tears and fatigue.my body is shaking violently again.this time i don't fight it.i cry and i cry and i curse the man who pulled the trigger.Lord help him if i ever find out who he is.its passing.the weight has shifted slightly and now i can drive home. i need to call people.his friends, the family,my friends.

they say if it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger.maybe but right now.I'm at rock bottom.i know we'll probably recover from this and maybe one day we'll even laugh about it,but right now I'm at rock bottom BUT I'm just glad my big brother is alive.

if there's anyone out there who's been through what my family has been through in the last week your in my prayers and i hope someone will tell me how to get through this.