It’s amazing how many kindred spirits one can have out there. Total strangers who for whatever reason seem to get you. Hear me out. How many blogs have you read or even just random posts that make you feel like someone literally looked into your heart and put down exactly what they saw. Funny enough it happens to me ALL the time, honest. While it does make me freak out for the first five seconds, it also assures me that I am not, in fact, totally psycho.
I was single for a long time, well kinda because even when I was dating a guy I still felt single. What’s the definition of single anyway? I digress. Most of the time I’d start dating a guy knowing full well that it wasn’t going anywhere, at the time it didn’t seem, really it didn’t. So I’d smile and text and call and physically participate in the dating process while my heart was neatly tucked away in a vault. I was basically numb at the time. I’ve been secretly in love with my pal for eons so my heart was never really mine to give anyway. I'm slowly getting over that though. I gave myself a time-out to make up my mind if I was going to go on living like that.
I’d see people in love and my heart would fall right into my stomach each time. It became such a familiar feeling I even learnt to welcome it. At first I’s see a couple and I would just want to die. My heart would start racing and I was sure people were looking at me sympathetically wondering “when will she get there?” It was horrible. My fear slowly turned into hostility. Subtly bubbling under the surface eating away at me daily. Why did they have to hold hands? PDA should be an offense punishable by death, etc etc. Sounds crazy doesn’t it just remember these were my private thoughts. I was simply jealous.
So I put on my tough face every morning and went into the world carrying all my demons with me. What I was really afraid of and still am is not dating or even being in a relationship, what I’m most afraid of is getting my heart broken. I’ve been there sooooo many times they’ve given me free membership. Once o fall for a guy, the easiest thing he can do without so much as an effort in crush my heart into a pulp. Funny thing is I’m the easiest person to break up with. I won’t ask why. I’ll just ask if you’re sure then I’ll walk away.
I dated a guy once who did everything he could think of just to get a reaction out of me, he’s still waiting. He’d say things like “you know I almost played you jana at the hanye?” so I’d ask “did you?” “NO!” “ok.” Finally when I got fed up with being baited I ended it. Wololo! The guy became tight! Cursed, insulted and yelled till he realized she’s not listening anymore.
So now I’m in this amazing relationship. I call it amazing coz I’m finally in what resembles a mature relationship and hard to believe though it may be, tis my first! First mature relationship that is. Don’t get me wrong there are moments when I doubt, many more still when my madness threatens to rear its ugly head but other than that I’m cool. So now I have become the thing I long resented. I’m the hand holding, kissing in public, gazing at each other lovingly people. Ugh! it’s disgusting and I love it! Ha! No really I catch myself grinning for absolutely no reason. I’ll be driving around or reading a book and suddenly I’m grinning like an idiot. True it’s probably from remembering something or other be it an sms or a twinge in some part of my body that reminds me of the last time we hang out. The other day a guy passed me in the street wearing his scent and I had to stop walking. My knees literally went weak. If I’d been walking fast I swear I’d have fallen flat on my face. That’s when I know I was hooked on the bugger! Basically I’ve become stupid again. Except now I can’t even bitch about other people doing it.
I remember when my sis started dating her boy friend and we’d be bitching about couples around us, the moment she opened her mouth we’d all look at her like she was crazy especially because they are the absolute worst. They literally can’t keep their hands off each other. Now, it’s me. I’m not complaining though, the alternative is not as fun as this.
So instead of cursing out the couples I see, much as I’d like to, I smile and move along swiftly. After all there are enough weaves and badly dressed people out there to keep me busy. I won’t be greedy.
Have a wicked day!!!
I was single for a long time, well kinda because even when I was dating a guy I still felt single. What’s the definition of single anyway? I digress. Most of the time I’d start dating a guy knowing full well that it wasn’t going anywhere, at the time it didn’t seem, really it didn’t. So I’d smile and text and call and physically participate in the dating process while my heart was neatly tucked away in a vault. I was basically numb at the time. I’ve been secretly in love with my pal for eons so my heart was never really mine to give anyway. I'm slowly getting over that though. I gave myself a time-out to make up my mind if I was going to go on living like that.
I’d see people in love and my heart would fall right into my stomach each time. It became such a familiar feeling I even learnt to welcome it. At first I’s see a couple and I would just want to die. My heart would start racing and I was sure people were looking at me sympathetically wondering “when will she get there?” It was horrible. My fear slowly turned into hostility. Subtly bubbling under the surface eating away at me daily. Why did they have to hold hands? PDA should be an offense punishable by death, etc etc. Sounds crazy doesn’t it just remember these were my private thoughts. I was simply jealous.
So I put on my tough face every morning and went into the world carrying all my demons with me. What I was really afraid of and still am is not dating or even being in a relationship, what I’m most afraid of is getting my heart broken. I’ve been there sooooo many times they’ve given me free membership. Once o fall for a guy, the easiest thing he can do without so much as an effort in crush my heart into a pulp. Funny thing is I’m the easiest person to break up with. I won’t ask why. I’ll just ask if you’re sure then I’ll walk away.
I dated a guy once who did everything he could think of just to get a reaction out of me, he’s still waiting. He’d say things like “you know I almost played you jana at the hanye?” so I’d ask “did you?” “NO!” “ok.” Finally when I got fed up with being baited I ended it. Wololo! The guy became tight! Cursed, insulted and yelled till he realized she’s not listening anymore.
So now I’m in this amazing relationship. I call it amazing coz I’m finally in what resembles a mature relationship and hard to believe though it may be, tis my first! First mature relationship that is. Don’t get me wrong there are moments when I doubt, many more still when my madness threatens to rear its ugly head but other than that I’m cool. So now I have become the thing I long resented. I’m the hand holding, kissing in public, gazing at each other lovingly people. Ugh! it’s disgusting and I love it! Ha! No really I catch myself grinning for absolutely no reason. I’ll be driving around or reading a book and suddenly I’m grinning like an idiot. True it’s probably from remembering something or other be it an sms or a twinge in some part of my body that reminds me of the last time we hang out. The other day a guy passed me in the street wearing his scent and I had to stop walking. My knees literally went weak. If I’d been walking fast I swear I’d have fallen flat on my face. That’s when I know I was hooked on the bugger! Basically I’ve become stupid again. Except now I can’t even bitch about other people doing it.
I remember when my sis started dating her boy friend and we’d be bitching about couples around us, the moment she opened her mouth we’d all look at her like she was crazy especially because they are the absolute worst. They literally can’t keep their hands off each other. Now, it’s me. I’m not complaining though, the alternative is not as fun as this.
So instead of cursing out the couples I see, much as I’d like to, I smile and move along swiftly. After all there are enough weaves and badly dressed people out there to keep me busy. I won’t be greedy.
Have a wicked day!!!
1 comments:
The things couples do....SIGH!
thanx for stopping by at my blog.
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