Monday Mourning!

Dear Life,

are you well this morning?good then that makes it easier for me to rant.perhaps rant is not the right word, maybe rave, scream, and go crazy. well, too bad I'm so damn tired after all, its not everyday that your brother gets shot and is hanging on the brink of death huh?don't worry i wont curse you out or anything like i said, I'm tired.I've never been so scared in my life, my teeth have never clattered so loudly and my body has never shaken so violently, my heart beating right out of my chest.

its a call i never expected, never prepared for, never imagined id get.i searched my records, my files, my archives. i searched everywhere. whats the reaction?the response?what I'm i supposed to say or do?whats the expression i should be wearing?do i smile or let the tears that sting my eyes run?no, i cant cry then i wont be able to see as i drive and already I'm in no state to drive but who will, not them.i cant possible let them drive. didn't you see the look in their eyes. that look that defeated look.that will-i-loose-my-son-today look. the look that neither of us ever practiced or prepared for. i cant cry, i have to be strong for him, for them, for me.

did you see it, that look when i said the words, when they heard but couldn't listen from the roaring in their ears.from searching their minds for a reaction, for an expression, for a word to describe the fear and longing to defy time and space and find themselves at their son's side. so i rush and rush and rush but i must be careful.i must get them there in one piece and yet i must get there quickly. all the while I'm thinking, processing, interpreting; hoping,praying. where?how?when? why wasn't i there?could i have helped?could things have gone differently? what if.....STOP! i say to myself.concentrate on the road ahead,on your speed,on getting there. think past the pain, past the fear, past the deep darkness that threatens to engulf not just you but everything around you also. concentrate.breath.

I'm calm but soon my body starts to rebel against the forced calmness,my teeth start to clatter again and I'm forced to clench my jaw.my heart starts to race again and breathing is getting rapid again.I'm losing it,I'm loosing it oh God don't let this happen i have to get there.i have to see.i have to know.get a grip! this is not the time to let go. you have to stay strong for him,for them,for me.

i can seen the sign, the large neon sign.I'm almost there but i have to keep it together.the silent tension in the car has just increased ten fold.its choking me but i cant stop now.open the window. damn,its already open.i made it. i slow down just long enough to make the turn without skidding and in one swift move I've stopped the car, opened the door and I'm frantically looking.i just want to see him,that's all.where is he? there are so many people but they all have blank faces.I'm looking for one, oh dear i can find it.damn where is he?don't tell me I'm too late.i came as fast as i could. oh God the darkness is coming.i can feel it wrapping its ugly claws around me. my heart is pounding and my ears are ringing. i hear voices but nothing sinks in.I'm loosing it,I'm........there! is see it. the face I'm looking for.in the light of the car i see him.his eyes are closed but his brow is creased, that's a good sign right?RIGHT? get it together, get it together. someone is holding me.pulling me back.i allow them because now my mind has stopped creating horrors in my head.we've got to go i hear someone say.he wants to know if i can drive,am i ok.I'm not ok but I'm driving. i have to stay strong for him, for them, for me.as i hit the tarmac all i can see is lights in the distance.time is everything so i accelerate to catch up to them.i will not get left behind.I'm cruising like I've never cruised before,if only this was a moment i could remember fondly.focus.concentrate.get there. I'm all of 10 seconds behind.i let them out and rush on to find parking.has anyone ever thought of valets at emergency rooms?focus.

they wont let us into the ER.not that i mind i know i wouldn't be able to handle it.there's lots of movement behind the curtain but that's about it.oh God.the i hear it the loud yell that creeps around the curtain and into our ears.that good right?he screams and screams and with each scream my heart breaks again and again.then silence!whats happening?why did he go quiet?is something wrong?someone tell me what the hell is happening.they knocked him out.ok.the silence continues hour after hour.needles and tubes,machines and beeps.i have to get away.this room is stifling,i cant breath. the darkness is creeping in again. i need air,space.that's better.breath.ok lets me see how everyone's doing.that'll distract me abit.coffee, chocolate, sugar.we all need some energy.

the sun is rising.what time is it?just past 6am.three hours and counting.finally!its been four and a half hours.they say we can see him now.he's alive,thank God.he looks so distressed.is he in pain?will he wake up?will he live?at least he's fighting,that's good right?he looks different.oh God,I've got to keep it together.he needs to rest.ill come back after a shower and something to eat. I'm...not tired,that can't even describe the way I'm feeling.i make it to the car, I'm alone and suddenly the weight of the night is just too much. i cant hold the tears back any longer.I'm choking, i cant breath,I'm worn out and then it comes, the floor of tears and fatigue.my body is shaking violently again.this time i don't fight it.i cry and i cry and i curse the man who pulled the trigger.Lord help him if i ever find out who he is.its passing.the weight has shifted slightly and now i can drive home. i need to call people.his friends, the family,my friends.

they say if it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger.maybe but right now.I'm at rock bottom.i know we'll probably recover from this and maybe one day we'll even laugh about it,but right now I'm at rock bottom BUT I'm just glad my big brother is alive.

if there's anyone out there who's been through what my family has been through in the last week your in my prayers and i hope someone will tell me how to get through this.

Can you speaka za English???

While we are now living in an extremely charged ethnic atmosphere, allow me to share this storo in the hope that we shall all remember the human nature of each of us despite our ethnicity.

I am a firm believer in communication. The one thing that scares me s***less is a chap who is unable to communicate well. I prefer straight to the point we are or we are not understanding and I detest that moment where any of us has to say "but i thought.....,didn't you mean...?" etc.

however it is very difficult to get that warm, i-feel-so-wanted kind of feeling when you have to re-read a text from a chap and try to decipher what the hell he is trying to communicate.

The truth of the matter is that kyuk chaps are notorious for writing messages that chics cannot comprehend. People, while I understand the haste and excitement that you may be writing in, is it so hard to do a ka-small spell chack before you hit send?

One very sweet guy who I really enjoy hanging with sent me a text: "I hope you and your family are safe and well, I can't wait to see your cute on monday."

and while I do have other messages I can share, it would be a dead give away to one partucilar chap who by the way still owes me a massage and other things that I have yet decipher.

Don't get me wrong even I send messages in haste sometimes only to realise dem! what did I do? But when a chap sends you a few messages in quick succession as you are conversing and there is no change,kijana kweli amezidiwa na lugha. and these guys are not zuzus Mr. See-your-cute has a masters.

Also it is not all kyuk men who have this ailment just a select few. My sis and some pals have "suffered' the same experiences on occasion and while it is a tolerable quirk allow me to inform you that you bleed points and in my case i get bored quickly and move on, that is after I have stopped cracking up.

In a totally unrelated related story, can chaps stop this bad manners of "Hi, I'm in *fill in name of favourite bar*, si you come?" I've always wondered how the hell that thought process develops and then I figured, its the most condusive environment and time (over pints) that most guys take stock of the day's, week's, and even life's events and its probably the one time you can genuinely believe that he was thinking about you. Why?..... the boys had to be updated on the developments, if any. The moment I get that call/text I always say "sawa, I'm kujaing". If I have ever shown up,just know that I have mad love and respect for you. I know there are guys who are still waiting and still bitter. Don't worry, you'll live!

Imagine I had mad storos today but the heat in Nailo today is so sick they have all evaporated. Then I went and made the poor decision of eating a mad ugali for lunch thus I am blogging when i should really be working. Anyway my day is almost up and I can't wait to get home and just chill. I think i'll die if I have to make dinner today. Until next time, hopefully tomorrow...

Nice time!

The year of Rebranding

After doing a raw and thorough inventory of my life, I have decided to take myself off the market and rebrand. You're probably thinking "she done lost her mind!" Well, maybe i have BUT I have good reason to back it up.
Here's how I've figured it out. I am a commodity, a product that is in the market and though my sales have not been doing too badly, I know i can do better. I came to the conclusion that i have a consistent line of behaviour when it comes to the men i date. Much as i would like to share the details I'm actually still abit embarrassed about it and more so that i didn't realise it sooner even when some friends had tried to warn me. So, i date a particular type of guy who, even as i am getting into the relationship, i already know that its not going to last. Why? ask me later. I'm still working on that answer. As a result within no time I am bored and/or highly disgusted with the said chap and i quickly cut and run. The thing is now i know that i have been putting out a vibe that attracts this type of man and that only i can change it thus the rebranding. While reeling from the shock of my AHA!!! moment i discovered that i had tweaked my 'vibe' and though i was in hiding, i found that now i was attracting a completely new breed of guys. There i was standing in the queue at the supermarket when i discovered i had caught the eye of a rather good looking chap. So i thought ooh! maybe the tide has changed only for the nut to remove his hand from his pocket. Lo and behold now im attracted the married ones. I fled like i was a runaway slave and for the last two months i have been a fugitive in my own life. The moment i spot them i turn and run. Fortunately that on passed so now I'm just not giving them the time of day.
Perhaps i should mention at this point that while i am in no particular hurry to get married, i have every hope that the next guy, or maybe the next after that, will be the one i settle down with. Why? Honestly, the reason why i don't 'invest' in my past relationships has been because i have a pretty good idea of the kind of guy i want to marry and for the record he is NOT perfect and i hope to God he has flaws that match my own. So while i do not know him by name, yet, i know his character, his appeal, his strengths and weaknesses, perhaps even his spirit. All i know is that one day ill know. Yes yes i know how creepy it sounds but that the way it is.
So for the Year 2008 this product, the Muthenya, has been discontinued until further notice for rebranding. Any ideas on how she can improve the product are welcome, feel free to be honest.
So will i date before i figure out what's up? Sure, why not after all there's a chap out there just waiting to humour me. And truth be told, i am no tree. Every now and then i need a hug or even a 'baby, how you doing?' In the mean time i am declare this to the the Year of the Muthenya. See you on the other side.

Come into the light!

While this was not how i had pictured starting out the year, the damage has been done and it is my hope that we as a country will get past this and come out on top. I hope that one day we shall be able to trust our neighbours and colleagues again and not harbour ill will against them. I believe we are bigger than tribalism, bigger than the hatred, bigger than the lies. Let us remember that it is us and not those who lead us who suffer.
And with that I (wishfully) bring my political commentary to a close.

For God and My Country!

I pride myself on being a person of rather strong character and yet overnight and in the course of one week I have been shaken to my core. The one thing that has always remained constant in my life besides friends and family has been the love I have for my country.When I see our flag flying, when I hear the national anthem, even when I see someone wearing a Kenya t-shirt, I am at my happiest. My friends have always thought me mad to love my country so much and now I think I know what they meant. I have always known that if called upon I would never EVER hesitate to lay my life down for my country. After all, if not for my country, then for who?But the last one week of being a Kenyan has been the hardest thing not just for me but for all of us who live with a part of our country within us and who for ten dark days have felt that part slowly fade and die. Don't get me wrong if they knocked on my door today and told me I was needed to fight for the freedom of this country, I would only need to say goodbye to my family. However, that feeling, that burning desire to serve my country has been severely compromised and while we can spend eternity pointing fingers and shifting blame the onus is on us to stop the madness after all it isn't those who are sounded the war cry who are being savagely murdered, brutally raped, critically injured and irreparably damaged, hungry and destitute because everything is gone. No, they still have servants and dessert, holidays and security. They still have lives and prospects. What, in God's name, are we doing?????