The following is a post I have written on behalf of someone lets call her Mary. What started off as a random conversation got me thinking and after that i thought maybe I should solicit others for help coz while I could have said a lot...I ended up saying very little. I'm practicing the art of holding my tongue. here is Mary's story:
...I am in a really good relationship right now and I'm happy...well most of the time at least. everything was going fine for a few months until my ex...hmmmmm yummy John popped back into my life. you see, John and I never really broke up. He got this job in another city and moved. It all happened so fast I was still reeling from it all when I met Chris. he was so patient with me in the end he won me over. Thing is Chris is probably on of the best lover's I've ever had.Boy knows exactly what he's doing. Unfortunately while John and I were together we never actually got around to getting intimate...well not THAT intimate anyway.Somehow it just never happened, don't get me wrong it's not because we didn't want it to, I guess the time was just never right.We had both been sexually active before we met but it was almost like we were waiting for the right time to make it really special. Unfortunately the universe had other plans for us. Which brings us to my big dilemma.
John decided to randomly visit his family for a while and called me up since he was here. I remember getting that warm feeling you get when you unexpectedly meet or see a friend you haven't seen in a while, it was almost as if hearing his voice reminded me he was alive out there somewhere and doing ok. We chatted for abit and agreed to meet up sometime. It proved to be difficult but then by a stroke of luck we ended up at the same party. You know how it is...someone somewhere is having a party and you end up going coz there wasn't much else you were doing anyway then shock on you when you bump into someone you know there and then the party really begins.
So there I was having a good time when I got a text. It was him! He wanted to know how I managed to look sooooo good despite the dreary weather outside.(it'd been raining cats and dogs for hours). I looked up to find him watching me. That's when all my problems begun. He looked sooooo good I actually wet my panties. We met half way and threw our arms around each other with out saying much and just held on to each other. We talked and laughed for most of the night. His boys were not impressed and neither was my girl who had invited me for the party in the first place.
Eventually it was time to go home and my girl was hearing none of it. As soon as I made sure she had a ride home, he walked me to my car. It had stopped raining but it was freezing. We talked for abit until we both start to shiver then I stepped to him and hugged him. I went to pull away and his grip oh-so-slightly tightened. I froze and looked up at him. I knew I should have stepped back but I lost myself in the desire he let me see in his eyes. I recognised that look. I'd seen it many times before. He leaned in and I gasped! Was I actually going to do this? What about Chris?
He stopped and looked me in the eye then his gaze dropped to my lips. Almost automatically I licked them and he swore out loud before asking "should I?" I was frozen in that moment. Torn between my past and my present, between a raging flood of desire for something I wanted but couldn't have and the guilt of knowing what this could do.
He started to pull away and I panicked. I didn't know if I was ever going to see him again or ever get this chance again so this time I leaned in and pressed myself right up against him. He didn't need further encouragement. He tool my lips with a fierceness I had never experienced with him before and I was lost.
Before I knew it I was plastered against the side of the car and held in place by the weight of his body. Somewhere in the back of my mind I was vaguely aware of a cold wetness running from the nape of my neck to the backs of my thighs but all it did was make the situation more erotic after a while when we both came up for air, we said our good byes and he walked back towards the house. I got into my car, on rather shaky feet and with a wet backside, took a dozen or so deep breaths before my heart stopped racing and my ears stopped ringing enough for me to drive myself home.
Later, he called me to make sure I'd gotten home ok and told me he was sorry for the way things were and he hoped we could talk about it so we agreed to meet up for lunch the following day. It was during that lunch that he dropped the bomb. He hated the way things were. That there was this thing we had but yet couldn't have. He was worried that I was getting less than I deserved. HA! I couldnt help but laugh. He wanted to be with me but there was this distance, it was everything. I wasn't planning on leaving my life and he wasn't planning on coming back until he had established something for himself so we were a quagmire.
I appreciated his concerned and readily pointed out that I had not complained about anything, not that I didn't see any thing wrong, there was plenty wrong with the situation. But the bottom line was that right there in that moment, at that table, in our own little world, I wanted him and he wanted me. (Un)fortunately my conscience got the best of me and I told him it wouldn't happen and he understood. After all I had told him about Chris, that he was a good man who deserved better and who knows, in the future if we ever got a chance I wouldn't want him to ever doubt me or my actions and start thinking maybe I might do the same thing to him.
Well...that was then. NOW I'm in a really bad way. The truth of the matter is I'm worried that we may never be presented with this opportunity again and all I want in one chance to be with him. he's made it clear that he understands where I'm coming from but we both know anything can happen. Life is short i know but.......! One chance to explore what I've wanted for years and know for myself if its really as good as I've dreamed about, thought about, fantasized about, hell as good as we've talked about.(we did the phone/chat sex once or twice). I want to know and yet I don't. I am fully aware of what this could do to me and my relationship not just with Chris but also with everyone we know who's rooting for us.
So I ask you what would you do? More specificlly, what do you think i should do?
Disclaimer:
This is a true story just not mine so feel free to eliminate that part from your comments. Mary exists just by another name so that those of you who may know both or one of us don't get any fresh ideas. This post is mostly written by her.
